Our last blog article discussed the significant problems we have with high levels of stress running throughout our society and the costs to our health, our financial security and our emotional well-being.
In this article we will discuss potential solutions to the problem of stress. We ended our last article making this statement:
“Psychologists tell us that stress is an internally generated emotional condition. That is good news, for it means the negative reactions we have to events in our lives creating all this problematic stress can be reduced or eliminated by simply changing our thoughts and attitude.”
So, how do we do that…change our thoughts and our attitudes? We know from recent discoveries in brain science that many of our beliefs and attitudes are embedded is our subconscious, having resulted from emotionally traumatic events and situations in our past. Much of what drives our current behavioris completely outside our awareness.
This might not seem like encouraging news as we seek to correct damaging thoughts and behaviors we have learned. Yet, we have learned about numerous interventions that show remarkable effectiveness in uprooting negative thoughts, behaviors and attitudes over time. We will discuss in this article just two of the most powerful protocols available for unraveling stress.
REMAIN IN THE PRESENT MOMENT In our everyday conscious moments, most of us habitually keep much of our focus either in the past or the future. Thoughts of the past bring up regrets, sadness, guilt and resentments. Thoughts of the future often focus on fear, doubts and overwhelm. Isn’t it interesting that we spend so much of our time regretting the past or fearing the future, and we can’t do a single thing about either the past or the future!
Most often, the “Right Now” is OK. If our total focus stays on each present moment, everything is pretty much alright.
The primary purpose of our memories about the past is how they teach us what is helpful to us living our lives today. Happy memories reinforce what we want in our lives. If we made mistakes, our memories, however unpleasant, are there to help us avoid committing those same mistakes again. Even with the most heartbreaking past experiences, we can learn to grow through them and allow them to help us become stronger and more complete, compassionate human beings.
The treasure trove of past experiences helps us learn and grow so that our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes benefit us in our present activities in this moment, and support our planning and preparation for the future. The better we know what we value, enjoy and intend to accomplish, the better we can craft a life to our liking as it unfolds.
We can learn from the past, plan for the future, but the only way to be truly satisfied in life is to apply all of our learnings and planning to our living this present moment. The happiest people we encounter apply this principle to their lives consistently. And they are the most stress-free!
REMAIN NON-JUDGMENTAL If staying in the present moment is a tall order, remaining non-judgmental is more difficult by far. First, let’s define what we mean by “judgmental”. It is not being judgmental to decide you like chocolate pudding better that vanilla pudding. A personal preference of one thing over another is simply a choice. Deciding vanilla pudding is bad simply because you like chocolate is clearly being judgmental. Teaching a child that telling the truth is generally more helpful for the child’s welfare than telling a lie is generally a non-judgmental teaching. These are well-established principles for living a beneficial life.
However, we all know unique situations where telling the truth might be unhelpful and telling a lie might be helpful. When is teaching based on “what is most helpful for all” and when does bias creep in?
Being non-judgmental is so difficult because we humans are virtual “judging machines”. Our society WANTS us to be judgmental, as expressed on the news, in a book, on a TV show or movie, or in a conversation with colleagues. Take sides! Agree with me! Get upset!
I was discussing the research regarding judgmental behavior with a friend, and she felt the researchers’ claims that virtually everyone is highly judgmental was overstated. She believed she wasn’t at all judgmental. Weeks later when we saw each other again she was astonished at just how judgmental she was. She exclaimed, “I stopped by the grocery store on my way home after our conversation. I was paying attention to any “judgmental thoughts” I might be having. I counted more than two dozen pejorative judgments I made about the store, prices, other shoppers, other mothers, their children in less that fifteen minutes. I am astonished at how judgmental I am.
Most readers won’t like what the psychological research tells us regarding judgmental thoughts we make. Freud and Jung first hypothesized this information based on countless clinical observations, and their theories have since be repeatedly confirmed. Our judging others is a reaction to the deeply buried unconscious guilt and shame we feel about ourselves. We are so averse to recognizing it in ourselves, we must project our guilt and shame onto others. We must make them bad, or wrong, or hateful. That’s right! Our prejudicial and biased judgments about others come up to “protect ourselves” from having to admit to ourselves, our guilt and shame. Our own negative judgments about ourselves are, quite simply, expressions of self-hatred.
When we can reduce substantially our judgments of others and ourselves, our own guilt, shame and self-hatred will lessen dramatically. And to reduce our countless judgments requires we find ways to alert ourselves to our judgmental behavior at the moment it arises to help us stop or reduce this behavior.
I have been working at reducing my judgmental behavior for over five years, and while I can report great strides in reducing my judgmentalism, I still have a great deal of work to do despite placing reminders all around me constantly. Why… WE ARE JUDGING MACHINES.
I can’t state too strongly the benefits of mastering or improving your ability to Remain in the present moment and / or Remain non-judgmental. Your peace of mind, happiness, your relationships, success, health and stress reduction will all improve tremendously over time.
I also can’t stress too strongly how challenging it is to undertake these two protocols. Coaching will help.
Call us if you would like to know more or would like some support to accomplish these goals.
Enjoy your Holidays, and have a wonderful start to your New Year, 2019.
Tom Searcy, BCC
Spirit of Eagles
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