Recently I was driving to the store with my grandson, Charlie. We were just “shooting the breeze” when he asked me a great question. “Grandpa, if you can have one wish, what would it be?” I thought about that for a minute and answered, “I think I would want for everyone single one of us to be completely happy, deep down to our very core. I think most of our strife and problems would disappear if that were so.”
Over the years, I’ve considered the question, “What holds us back from being unwaveringly happy?” I suppose the list of possible answers would be incredibly long, but a couple of important potentials come time mind.
First on my list…psychological research has shown that over 95% of what drives our decisions and behaviors is completely unknown to us, completely outside of our awareness. Our countless experiences, especially those in the first few years of life, many of which wound and traumatize us, are suppressed and repressed and then get buried in our subconscious. Like computer viruses, there they remain hidden, operating to seriously limit and interfere with our functioning, our self-image, our physical and emotional growth, and our happiness.
While we may think that we are behaving rationally and logically, making reasoned decisions, and viewing our world in a judicious and realistic manner, most of the time that just isn’t true. And because all of this is unconscious in us, we have no concept that our behaviors are our subjective and emotional responses to deeply buried programming, some of which are inexplicable. And because all of this is unconscious in us, many who might be reading this article will completely disregard its validity. Who could blame us for ignoring this research? How can we know what we don’t know?
Second on my list, related to the first…concerns Bias. We all are subject to biases to a great degree. When I first began reading about bias, I looked in Wikipedia and found a listing of 185 common biases. The dictionary defines bias as “a personal unreasoned judgment, prejudice and partisan”. Some antonyms for bias are “impartial, neutrality, objective and open-minded”. Bias is so common to all of us, it might be disheartening if it weren’t so comical.
As I went through the list, before I had reached number 25, I was shocked at how many applied to me, some in minor ways and others not so inconsequential. I’m certainly not alone. We humans are walking, talking biased judging machines!
It seems that being born a human carries with it some rather inhibiting characteristics. There is, however, a heartening solution to our being born emotionally limited and irrational. Developing high self-awareness is a big help, a great step forward in freeing ourselves from the chains of bias and unconscious drives and motivations.
Most of us grow out of many misperceptions as we mature. Many fantasies we hold as children do fade away. Working to develop self-awareness is a big help, partly because becoming aware of our limitations is curative in and of itself. As we know more about our limitations, the less likely we are to behave in ignorance of them.
This is why, above almost every recommendation we could suggest for improving our self-awareness, and thus enhance our self-confidence, our happiness, our success, we would suggest seeking supportive, kind, accurate FEEDBACK at every opportunity. Because of what research discloses, we must admit we don’t see ourselves very accurately. That is not an individual failing, but simply a consequence of being born. Positive, accurate, kind feedback erases the source of much unnecessary failure and heartbreak.
As an example, if I know I’m limited in my abilities in math, I’m wise to either improve my math skills, or ask others to do the math connected with consequential projects and decisions. This example can apply to countless behaviors we undertake every day. Can you recognize the huge advantage this discovery can be for your success and happiness?
We’ll cover more of this in future blog articles. In the meantime, why not reach out to a trust friend, mentor or colleague and begin a dialog regarding your underutilized talents or potential blind spots that make life for you more frustrating or difficult than necessary.
Always remember, One Single Discovery Can Change Everything for You.
Since I likely will not publish another article this month due to vacation, have a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration. This has been an exceptionally stressful year, even for people who have avoided the health concerns, the emotional isolation or financial setbacks associated with COVID-19. I hope you will enjoy family and friends over the next two months.
Blessings!
Tom Searcy, Board Certified Coach
info@spiritofeagles.com
574-850-9912
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